I hate everything I've become. I want to go back in time and change it all. I hate humanity, for I blame this for the catastrophe that is my life. I hate myself for having caused most of my own issues.

I don't know what I'm writing for. It's all a pointless waist of time.



Dog new tricks, you make me feel so worthless.

I signed that dotted line
Cause I'll do anything to show you
Exactly how much I love you

By the near-end of the night
I will make you mine,
You will be mine.
I can't have it any other way.
Without your love I'm crippled.
Without your touch I'm lost.
I crave everything about you
Cause you are what I want to be
What I want to have
And what I need.

Can you see my tears falling?
I'm crushed under this decision.
Years of hoping and dreaming
In the form of walls
Slowly close in around my body
I sit helpless
Believing that love can't hurt me.

Somebody kill the romantic.
Somebody kill the romantic.
Somebody kill the romantic.

Please, somebody kill me.

The stress from all this is weighing me down
I can't see straight without the odd colors
I keep shaking relentlessly from the withdrawal
And my dreams are chasing me
And I can't take this anymore.

I wish it were more simple
And when you said I love you
I could say it back without any guilt.
I wish life were more simple
I wish you could be mine.






Wrote it while listening to Strata. Should do that more often...

I hate the way you look at me.

I hate the way you smile.

I hate the way you say you love me.

I hate that we can only chill for a while.

I hate that this ended so fast.

I hate that my world is crashing down around me because of you.

I hate that I'm in love with you.

I hate that I know I shouldn't be.

I hate me.

I hate you.

But the love I feel is endless.

And I hate that the most.










You ever have one of those days where you realize everything you're doing with your life is wrong, and you've become the one thing you used to hate? I broke my own promises to myself. No wonder I'm so fucked in the head. I'm a walking contradiction.

I give up. Aiedail disappeared over a week ago and I haven't told anybody because I didn't even notice it. I was so swept up in love and war that I ignored her cries for help. It's no wonder I've been feeling so empty lately. I think it happened that night I saw Moulin Rouge. She realized that there's no point in trying, she'll never have the bohemian lover she's always dreamed of.

Without her there's really no point for me. I can't exist without her directional influence. I can't be happy. I should just die. Become one with the soil beneath my feet.




I think the world would be a better place if I did.

I'm such a Bohemian.

Last night I watched Moulin Rouge. It got me thinking. It put me in my bad place. I was crying and I didn't know why exactly. And Billy got mad cause I told him he reminded me of the Duke. I guess I should explain the movie to those of you who haven't seen it yet.

There's a guy named Christian. He's this Bohemian writer who's never been in love. And there's this girl named Satrine. She works for the Moulin Rouge, which is a whore house, basically. Then there's the Duke, who is this guy that Satrine is supposed to have sex with and please and whatnot so that the Duke will endorse the Moulin Rouge. But Satrine mistakes Christian for the Duke. And they fall madly in love, but the Duke falls in love with her too. So Satrine and Christian hide their love so that the Moulin Rouge can get the endorsement they need, and they do it by putting on a play called "Spectacular Spectacular". None of this really matters though. The Duke claims Satrine as his own, and offers her everything she's ever dreamed of, which is money, and being an actress, etc. Christian shows her that you don't need all that to be happy, all you need is love. So she's caught choosing between the two of them, and she wants to choose Christian, but right when she's about to, the Duke says if she leaves him he will have Christian killed. So she fakes like she doesn't love him, to save his life. But then Christian sort of loses it and he goes to her during opening night and throws money on the floor and tells her he paid for his time with her, with his whore. I can't explain it. I don't want to ruin the whole movie, damnit. I just wish you could understand.

In my mind during the movie, I was Satrine. Billy was the Duke. I won't say who Christian was, but he'll know when he reads this. At that point in time, while watching the movie, I knew who I wanted more. But then Billy started doing his mind game thing... And that left me really confused, to the point where I was going to sleep on the kitchen floor last night while crying.

By the time I went to sleep I had it in my head that I shouldn't be chasing a dream. Especially when the dream has other choices, and he'd never pick me. I woke up with that still in my head.

I think a part of me died last night.

So I woke up, bought a pack of cigarettes, and started chain smoking. And reading Perks again. Which is probably why I'm writing and thinking like I am currently. That book puts me in a really good bad place. Yes, good bad. I can't explain my mentality right now. It's unstable.

I'm very confused. I'm hiding it very well in real life, though. I guess... All I know is later I get to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Which will probably put me back in the bad place.

I need to stop writing. It's not helping me.

I saw you standing
And felt my entire heart expand
Until it exploded
Now here it is in my hand
I'm offering it to you
Take it in good stride
Just know that I'll do whatever it takes
to make you mine.

There are no words to describe the looks you give to me.
No words to tell you how I feel.
There are no words to describe the future I'd like to see.
No words exist to you from me.

The first time we talked
I tried to hide it in plain site
But as that night went on
You showed me that it was all right
And so I confessed my crush
And surprisingly you confessed yours too
And in a few days time
Our love was true.

There are no words to describe the looks you give to me.
No words to tell you how I feel.
There are no words to describe the future I'd like to see.
No words exist to you from me.

No words, no language in this world
Could ever mirror my feelings
Could ever make this make sense. [x2]

[some sort of awesome guitar solo]

Now I sit here daily
Waiting for those simple moments
Where I can be by your side.
Wishing to hear your voice,
This is the best I've felt in a long time
But nothing can be used to describe....

There are no words to describe the looks you give to me.
No words to tell you how I feel.
There are no words to describe the future I'd like to see.
No words exist to you from me.

There are no words to describe the looks you give to me.
No words to tell you how I feel.
There are no words to describe the future I'd like to see.
No words exist to you from me.
















I WIN. <3

It was late. She sat alone amongst the bushes and twiggery of the midnight forest. The moon made its way through the leaves and branches above her, causing the grass around her body to gleam with frosty dew. She sat there inhaling the poisonous fumes of the cold, watching her breathe leave her body every time she exhaled. She smiled at the thought of the cold stealing her soul away.

I can't do this. I can't concentrate. I can't write. I fucking suck. I hate myself. I hate you. I hate my mental incapacity, my lack of imagination, and my desire to run into the woods with a man I'm more than in love with...

Goodbye.

I woke up unusually early. After an unusually strange and long night. T.T

I sit here thinking of you constantly
I sit here wishing I could be with you, constantly.
I sit here...
Constantly...
Without saying anything of the truth to you.
And how more than one of me is falling for you,
No matter how hard I try to stop it.

*Sighs*

Today was great. No, amazing... Better than amazing, even! WTF IS BETTER THAN AMAZING? Gah. T.T

I don't care anymore. I could die right now and be completely satisfied with where I ended up. But dying isn't an option, I want to keep living and see what comes from all of this. Perhaps some day something will. That's what I'm seriously hoping for.

I like Dani's idea of finding an apartment with her and a few other girls. The only issue would be what they would do if they found out... Why can't this one decision be an easy one? I want to keep what I've got going, AND be able to go in with Dani's idea. Then again I also would be completely content just getting into an apartment with [i]him[/i]. Buuut I doubt that's going to happen. =[

It's crazy how fast feelings can develop between two people. Although it makes sense when said people have apparently everything in common. These feelings are powerful though, they've completely stomped out any feelings I had for anybody else. It's so strange.

I had to listen to them for some reason so I figured I'd post my two favorite songs by them on here for viewing pleasure goodness....

And Aiedail, you need to come back...

I find my body wanting to cry, I find a strange depression within myself that isn't mine. For once, it isn't me that's been hurt, it's Aiedail. That sandy beach with the smiling girl has vanished, she's sitting alone in a cave crying and wishing she didn't exist. It's a feeling I myself am used to, but her? She's never had to experience this. She's always been the cautious one, careful not to get hurt. And it's not even her fault she got hurt, she simply had a crush. It's my fault for letting her convince me to do something about said crush. And thus I find myself wishing I also did not exist.

lesson of the day: Hope is pointless to have. Hope only makes you cry in the end.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In her mind she retraced her steps of the other night, watching the footprints in the soil next to her seeming to appear from thin air. She went through it all again, only to find herself alone and hurt. The magic of the past few days smelled foul in the air. As she sat and pondered, she slowly realized she was stupid in the first place for having thought anything could have happened. She was stupid for not taking things with an easy, cautious stride. She... Simply wanted to vanish.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can I leave?

No.

Why not?

I need you.

Why? I'm useless.

But you're not. You're my other half. I'd be nothing without you.

That's not true. You'd be better off without me getting you into fucked up situations.

This is the first time it's ever happened. I think I can forgive you for this. It's not important to me anyways.

Yes it is, don't lie. I wasn't the on--

Shut up. Don't even say it.

You know it's true.

Just shut up!

Fine. Fuck this.

What do you mean, fuck this? Aiedail? Aiedail! Huh...?





............ I feel.... Empty?

I sit here on this lonely night
And find myself think of you.
What I wouldn't give for one moment
To pull you against me,
Our lips locked like the gates to a cell
Where nothing can break through.


And I'll sit in my room, throwing paint on the walls. Merciless colors of rage...

I can't do this. I'm thinking too much. About too many things. Love in general.


Love, will you always be my worst enemy?
That frog that always slips away right after catching it...?

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People.
1. I'm sorry I hurt you so much in the past and a part of me wants you to forget I ever existed but the other part still wants to eventually be with you in the future.
2. You are so fucking annoying that sometimes I just want to punch you in the goddamn face.
3. STOP COPYING ME. It's annoying as all hell.
4. I'm fascinated by your persona and somewhat in love with it even...
5. You're nothing but a backstabbing whore of a bitch. Not to mention a waste of my time. (This can go to two people.)
6. You need to stop thinking your life is so bad when mommy and daddy buy you every little fucking thing.
7. SHUT THE FUCK UP! (Hilary said this perfectly. It's more to like a million people though instead of one. Ahaha.)
8. You take things way out of hand when situations arise.
9. Do you have any fucking idea what you are doing to somebody I love? Fuck you. You're a whore and obviously can't tell what's best for yourself.
10. Life isn't all fun and games... Life gets really hard. Especially once you're on your own.

Nine Things About Myself
1. I'm an open book with strangers on the street.
2. The term "best friend" is bad joo joo for me.
3. I have a lot of trouble keeping my mind set on one thing.
4. I'm an existential romantic. Make sense of that for me, will ya?
5. Watching movies that have drugs involved somehow make me feel really connected with the characters, and I don't even do drugs....
6. I'm insanely emotional. But I never really get all that angry. I just cry a lot.
7. Writing is my first a foremost love.
8. I'm more paranoid than most people. I tend to over think the simplest things.
9. I regret almost every decision I make in life, and yet I continue said decisions until I see them through.

Eight ways to win my heart.
1. Poetry. 'Nuff said.
2. Spontaneity. Surprise me in any way possible. I'll most likely melt.
3. Even if the possibilities are slim, talk about "us" in the future.
4. Don't get mad when I make mistakes or forget things. I tend to do both a lot.
5. Have the ability to cry, but don't overdo yourself and cry about everything.
6. When you make a promise to me, keep it.
7. If I ask you to do something, don't just keep saying "I will, I will. I'll do it later."
8. Stand up for me. I'm practically incapable of doing so myself.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
1. Family.
2. Friends.
3. Things from my past that upset me a lot.
4. The future.
5. Wanting to travel.
6. I fucking hate work.
7. How much I don't like myself.

PS: Way to be general and have almost everything the same as me, Hil.

Six things I do before I fall asleep
1. Play on the computer.
2. Sex.
3. Smoke a cigarette.
4. Think about tomorrow.
5. Wonder if I set the alarm for the right time for work.
6. Play on the computer some more.


Five people who mean a lot to me(not in special order)
1. Billy.
2. John.
3. Randy.
4. Kibble.
5. AJ.

Four things you're wearing right now.
1. Blue shirt with music things on it.
2. Jeans.
3. Glasses.
4. A bra!

Three songs that you listen to often.
1. "Round Here" - Counting Crows
2. "ABC" - Jackson 5
3. "Perfect Blue Buildings" - Counting Crows

Two things you want to do before you die.
1. Travel the world.
2. Publish a book that's timeless.

A Confession:
Although I might not act it, I really do love you, and I hate when you're hurt, I hate when you're sad, angry, upset in general, and I wish your life could be better than what it is.

You with your hair... That smile, those eyes, a form of perfection perhaps, if there were any such a thing. But beyond those traits so much more can be seen... The individuality, perseverance, intelligence, creativity, and general not giving a fuck attitude. You have me spinning perilously close to a rather enticing idea, something so absurd, something that I am so unsure of. It reeks of change, and that my dear boy is my largest fear. Or, perhaps the change isn't the fear so much as not knowing the outcome is. So what will it be? Do I get fries with that shake, or will the simple cool touch of that liquid leave me filled enough to be alone until next time? You tell me.

...............................<3

I'm engaged. Ta'da!

Well, sorta. Haha. My boyfriend and I have fallen crazy in love with each other, it's rather odd to us. I hate not seeing him for this long, a week and then a visit a week and then a visit. It's amusing though, because when I finally do get to see him, I can hardly breathe. I miss him so much right now, however. Hopefully I see him on Saturday.

Blah. I came in here with the full intent to write my life story and now all I want to do is eat a piece of toast. Oh well. The engagement should be enough news for you losers xP

You'd think finding Mr. Perfect would make life amazing, but I guess you can't have it all good. I'm pretty sure all of his friends hate me. And if that's true, then I don't think I'm going to stay with him, because I'd rather not be the girl who's there to see him even though she pisses everybody else off. I don't know. I hate situations like this.

I've been really odd lately, staying up until like four in the morning, and I've been writing a lot. So I figured I'd post a few of my new things:


[beware the insanity that follows]
Abandonment, what be thy favorite color?
The red anger
The green jealousy
Purple introverted fortitude,
a glistening side effect of punishment to come.
Care for a lie?
it takes but three words for you.
And yet I swallow said poison
Trying to believe it still through the sting.
Oh, how this time of judgement hath fallen upon me.
Allow me to parish and end it now
While there is nothing worth ruining.

-----------------------------------------------

Fuck;
My bottled up anger needs to be released, I'm sick of this bullshit children dying on the street. Fornication means nothing, just a pleasure to enjoy. So all these little boys can use me as their fucking toy. Tie strings to my limbs, oh, this is no art. Why don't you just pull them, pull me apart?
For my sake in this world, ruin my life. It just keeps me going back to my knife. The blade slides and slices across my skin; a reminder of how good my life has been. Yeah, I'm a winner, that is for sure. But come sometime soon I won't have to deal with it anymore. So fuck you, fuck her, fuck him and fuck them. Here comes the end, this is my end.

-------------------------------------------------------

Anyways. Those are the two I wrote. No idea why. Just bored and hungry, I guess.

In other news, guess who's into psychopathic records now. Yeap. Me. I'm a newborn wicked clown, twisted, sickened and lifted straight off the fuckin' ground. And I love it. Clown love<3

I'm going to try to get into Adult Ed., so that I can possibly pass and get a diploma. I don't want to be a total fuck up...

Apparently AJ misses me. And I have to say, I miss him too. I told him I'd meet him somewhere next week so we can chill for a bit. We'll see how that turns out, eh?

I quit smoking. I hated it to begin with, and last night I learned a few things, and I officially dropped it. I can't wait until everybody hears about this. Should be rather interesting, don't you think?

Reply with a 13 if you miss the old me...

13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 POPCORN!

Anyways.

I'm home alone right now. Shannon went to John's to celebrate his birthday. I couldn't go, because, well, John would have probably started to cry. That's a horrible thing to have on his birthday...

-----------------------------------------------

*picks up a gun*

It's true!

So, for those of you who don't know, don't bother calling my cell phone anymore. It's at my mother's house, which I no longer live in. I'm living with my friend Shannon. If you honestly desperately need to see me, or talk to me, tell me via e-mail (aiedail125@yahoo.com) and give me your phone number. Chances are, I don't remember it. But I'll give you a call for sure.

Other than that, I don't feel like talking about much else. Nothing terribly important.

<3

I've stopped attending school due to excessive absence and failing. I haven't written in here in forever. Krys dated Kibble and it's over. I'm beginning to suspect my schizophrenia, and I've been put on medication for depression. I love John. My friend Leala is my cousin, even if I can't prove it. Music owns my life, I'm obsessed with my guitar. I'm obsessed with Smash. I'm obsessed with this coffee shop called Klekolo's. Seymore is a dick. Kibble cut my hair the other day. It's been devastatingly hot out. Blah blah blah blah blah.

I'm never in the mood to write anymore...

Ben, what I meant by Krys being a bad boyfriend is the fact that Krys IS a bad boyfriend. He'll completely cut off a girl as a way to break up with them. He's too clingy and jealous. All these things. It's just bad. =/

As for your camera... Abooouuuut that.... Heh. Yeah. >.>

I MISS MY SCHOOL FRIENDS.

I'm going to shut up, I'm not as cool as I used to be.

Wow.

WOW.

Hell of a week just passed.

So, I was right in saying that I wouldn't feel any much different at 17. Same things happen, with a bigger worry of turning 18 placed on my shoulders.

Last week was really fun, because I was on vacation. I got to see John a shitload. That made me happy. And we figured out that Krys is slightly narcoleptic, and that he sleep smokes. It was scary. Basically the whole week was good until late Friday night, when my mother pretty much lost it. I won't go into details... But she did something she shouldn't have. So I left with my friends and brother and we went and stayed elsewhere. I was at Kibble's until last night, when I had to come home... I don't want to be here, but meh... I have no choice.

While at Kibble's though, she, John, and I started a band. Sorta.... It's called Insanity at its Finest. All we've done so far is scribble down random tabs that we've come up with, and John is crazy about learning the solo to the song Jordan by Buckethead. Buckethead is the most amazing guitarest ever. Ahaha, I'm obsessed with him too, yes. T.T

My foot is going numb :D

Anyways though. So now I'm sitting home for a few days because I don't have glasses (they broke) and I can't see shit without them. School is pointless when I'm blind. >.<

Bah.

Sometimes... I wonder if the decisions I make are the right ones.

Jeff has stopped talking to me. Ignores everything I try to contact him with... I never thought that breaking up would have to end the friendship as well... But it did. And now I'm beginning to wonder just what exactly the right choice would have been.

John is a really good boyfriend, I guess. I mean, he's better than Chris. (LOL). I don't really know what a good boyfriend is though, because I've never been with a guy for long enough to figure this out. I'm scared that I'm going to do what I always do, which is freak out and end the relationship before anything can really get going. I always seem to do that. I hope that this time I don't. Good thing is, I'm starting to say "I love you" and not feel a bit weird about it. Perhaps I actually do? A little..? Then again, what is love? I say I have a feeling for somebody, and I'm not even sure what the feeling is. Maybe we're just saying it too much.

I hate hurting people. I feel like such a selfish bastard right now, to be honest... I really don't like the me I've been seeing.

I hate myself for setting Callista up with Chris, because I forgot how bad of a boyfriend Chris can be. But it's over now, thank God. I just hope Callista doesn't turn into a younger version of me from this... I'd hate to see that happen.

Kess' ex-boyfriend tried to kill himself the other day, and it's all my fault. Because I told him the real reason Kess left him, because I felt he had a right to know. Sometimes I wish I could staple my mouth shut. The world would be a better place, in my opinion.

Speaking of Kess, I'm not even allowed to talk to her right now. Some bullshit about me telling her my brother in-law doesn't do the work on her farm that he's hired to do or something, which isn't true at all. Kess and I rarely talk about the farm, and when we do, it's always about how we're going to be crazy and live there together in the future, or how we need to go there now because we miss each other. I miss my best friend like crazy. I've seen her once in the past year-ish, and that was for about 15 minutes. It really sucks...

.... Good news:

My birthday is next week on Tuesday. I'm turning 17, and I don't really feel much different. For some reason I always hope that my birthdays will bring along a new me, or the ability to put care and effort into life, but that never seems to happen. Woo... Birthday...

My sister had a baby boy today, at 5:30. She can't decide on what she wants to name him, I'm guessing her and her husband are arguing back and forth about it. I can see them doing that. "Thomas." "Raymond." "THOMAS" "RAYMOND!!!" What the hell are they going to name him? I think Thomas is actually one of the choices. Ahaha. Although, her other two are named Gavin and Shyana, and I think those are nifty.

It's 6:16, and I'm supposed to be leaving at 6:25 to go to school, and I'm pretty much ready, but I still have things to do, and I'm done moping and talking to you folk, so I'm going to bounce. I'll post again soon to reveal the name of the baby. I want them to name his Ross, Jude, Sascha, or Sean. Any of those would make me be filled with glee. >.

And I SMASH!

Fuck. Yes. Finally, he's going to be miiiine. *cue evil laughter* ---- *cough cough hack*. Yeah. I need to work on that.

I saw Shutter last night with Chris and John. And CALLISTA! Who might now date Chris, who won't ever have to be depressed again, because she and him are amazing together. One of the best pairs for Chris that John and I have ever seen. As for the movie, the parts of it I saw were good, but so were John's lips. Teehee! >.<

This week has been just.... Too good. Yesterday especially. Yesterday was probably one of the best days like... Evar. Yes, with an a. xD

Chris let me borrow his SSBM, because he has Brawl now. So I finally have something to do when I'm not hanging out with friends. Ahaha. I'm going to learn to pwn you all, fuckers.

I need to go now though. School stuff. I'll write more whenever. Possibly when I can breathe again. Thinking about last night kinda takes that ability away. Blaaah. Heh. <3